What is your partner's REAL motive for having you around? The answer lies in their words and actions...
Another lovely morning with a big country breakfast, a huge mug of coffee, and a whole bunch of friends trying to find a way to make their lives together better. For me, that's a great way to start a day, pleasure and productivity.
A quick note before we begin today's lesson: One of you sent me a link to an article that is revealing, revolutionary, and for some, downright scary. Entitled "Mommy's Little Secret," it describes, among other things, statistical evidence that 10% of children in the western hemisphere think that their father is someone other than who their biological father really is, if you know what I mean. DNA evidence is causing all manner of revelations of infidelity, and it's so bad that the courts are now trying to figure out when people are bound to tell fathers and "duped dads" (the one who is paying the bills thinking it's for his own child) and when they're not. I strongly recommend you read it this article; even though it is five years old, it's still relevant and accurate.
As for today's lesson, one of your cohorts said this in response to the issue where I talked about men using guilt and pity tactics to try to obtain sex, the article titled "Sex for Pity's Sake," which you can access in the archive if you missed it:
Meet Tanja K.:
In my eyes women who use guilt or pity for sex are pathetic.....my hubby and I have been married for almost 22 years and there's what real married for love partners call give and take....my hubby is like my kids, spoiled to death and well adjusted...2 in college and 2 in grade school, if you get my drift, sex is our way of being one with each other, and trying new thing together, is what makes our marriage so to die for, so if you got out of me somehow that I use guilt or pity, you better find some new info about real women, not this new age "I'll sleep with you if you'll pay for my hair cut, or my college ed"....those are the women that make good men say dumb hurtful things....my hubby has been my prince from day one, if he's guilty of anything it might be that he hasn't taken time to find friends to have fun with, besides me, but then again, neither have I, our kids have made our life busy and full....hope you find a real women w/real moral values....
Tanja
Tanja's beef is with women who prostitute themselves, not honestly as professionals, but as surreptitious gold-diggers; those parasites who land a man to take care of them, give them means to create and maintain babies and/or self-destructive habits, and use guilt, pity, and sex to keep the man engaged and thinking everything is peachy. Gentlemen, I have to agree.
There are many kinds of relationships that can exist between a man and a woman, but this kind, especially in its most extreme variant, the codependent relationship, is the most destructive. One partner sucks the life out of the other and wastes it in destroying themselves, effectively rushing both of them to an early grave. How can you tell if you're in one of these?
It's not that difficult. Indeed, detection is the easy part; accepting the truth and acting upon it is where most people fail.
First, take a look at who is contributing what to the relationship, and how those contributions are being distributed. If you're working your butt off and she (or HE! - it can go both ways, Ladies, as you'll see in my next book) is spending it faster than you can make it on things that you find you secretly resent, such as a lot of extras for her and the kids, like eating out a lot and designer labels on all their clothes while you have holes in your shoes and take a cheese sandwich and store-brand soda to work for lunch, that's a big red flag.
There's no need to keep a detailed score; it will either be equitable because the relationship is committed and tight or completely lop-sided because one partner is using the other, depending entirely on whether the partners truly love each other or one is using the other.
Next, take a look at language. Even the best liars screw up from time to time, usually when they are either too relaxed, too stressed or have had a drink or two and their guard is down. A partner who really loves you will tell you so for no apparent reason, and their body language and actions will confirm it. One who is indeed NEEDING AND USING you and not loving you will say that they love you in order to get you to tell them that you love them; the statement "I love you" is indeed the question, "Do you love me?" - a plea for confirmation that their ploy is still working. When it comes, it sounds forced, like the ritual "I love you" that ends all too many phone conversations with that hint of whining or desperation that makes what should be a profession into an interrogation.
You can also learn a lot from the nature of compliments and explanations that inappropriately follow or replace declarations of love. A woman who says, "I love you because you make me feel safe," is most likely saying that she loves the feeling of being protected, not you; anybody with an alpha personality and a weapon (or a large bank account) could make her feel the same way.
Gentlemen, real women don't need a caretaker any more than real men do. They're "all grown up," strong, independent, intelligent, and sexy, not a clingy, needy, neurotic ball of insecurity looking for someone to blame their entire miserable existence on. Being able to take care of themselves, they want a real man who can take care of himself, to form a true symbiotic - nay, synergistic! - partnership, in which the partners can achieve more together than the sum of what they could achieve separately. Such a woman will enjoy watching you being strong and taking the lead, instead of depending on you to do it, and you'll enjoy doing it with her, instead of resenting the whining and pressure.
If you feel like you're being sucked dry, you're in the wrong relationship. You can assess yourself, your partner, and your relationship, as well as have great contacts to help you get out of a bad relationship and find a great woman if you have to, with the information in "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com right now, read it, and get things on the right track. If they're already on the right track, use the rest of the book to stoke that attraction boiler and kick things up to the stratosphere where problems just don't happen! The woman in your life can be a ball and chain or a ball of fire, and the choice is entirely yours. Choose well, and choose NOW!
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham"Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
COUPLE: Quinton "Quint" McCord Chamberlain ">SHOW: GUIDING LIGHT
RANK: 13
PLAYED BY:
"Quint:" Michael Tylo
"Nola:" Lisa Brown
YEARS: 1981-1985, 1996-1997
STORY:
Nola spent a year manipulating Kelly and Morgan (John Wesley Shipp and Kristen Vigard) in an effort to keep them apart even pretending to be pregnant with Kelly's baby. When the truth came out--the baby was Floyd's--Kelly told her off and the entire town of Springfield learned of her deception. Shortly after, Quinton, an archaeologist looking for a new start, came to town and moved into a mansion on Thornway Road. Quint met Nola when he interviewed Nola for a job as a live-in assistant, but it was not love at first sight. She thought he was dark and spooky and he thought she was odd. But Quint fascinated Nola and he became the subject of her vivid fantasy life. Despite their growing attraction something always seemed to stand in their way. But on a trip to St. Croix to search for an artifact known as The Temple of Gold, Quint rescued Nola and they shared their first kiss on the beach. But their happiness was short-lived with the arrival of Qunt's ex, Helen Manzini, followed by Nola being kidnapped by the evil Silas Crocker (Benjamin Hendrickson).
Nola was eventually rescued and Quint declared his love her in the hospital thinking she was asleep (she wasn't). Quint eventually admitted his feelings to Nola face to face but their life remained complicated with Helen living in the mansion with them. Soon Nola learned Quint was hiding another former lover, Rebecca, on the third floor of the mansion. Rebecca schemed to keep them apart lying to Nola about what had transpired with Quint in the past. Eventually Rebecca shot her husband, Samuel Pasquin aka Mark Evans, who fell off a cliff. She jumped off after him to her death. Quint and Nola were now free to be together and became engaged. Nola had discovered that Henry Chamberlain was Quint's biological father and Henry threw them an engagement party (this was the infamous episode were Nola and Vanessa showed up wearing the same dress). Quint and Nola married and a year later their son Anthony James was born (fans voted on the name of the baby). In 1985 they left Springfield when Quint got a job in Tanquir. Nola returned in 1995 and it was eventually revealed Quint had cheated on her. Quint showed up and it seemed like they were going to reunite but the characters were written out with their story in limbo. In GUIDING LIGHT's final week Nola returned and gave Vanessa a gift from both her and Quint implying they were still together.
IMPACT:
Quint and Nola were instant fan favorites who captivated viewers wondering when they would finally get it right all the while enjoying Nola fantasies like "Wuthering Heights" and "Casablanca". Brown and Tylo played the odd couple to perfection.
CBS said at the time of the Kelly/Nola reveal, Lisa Brown and Nola received more hate mail than any other character on the network since Lisa in AS THE WORLD TURNS twenty years earlier. The fact that so many people came to love Nola, and Nola with Quint, is a true testament to the genius of Brown. She was named Best Actress by "Afternoon TV" magazine in 1981 but, sadly and unbelievably, was never nominated for an Emmy for her beloved work at GUIDING LIGHT.
Brown went on to star as Iva in AS THE WORLD TURNS (where she did receive two Emmy noms). Tylo played memorable roles in multiple soaps including ALL MY CHILDREN and THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS. Their reunion on GUIDING LIGHT was cut short when the show said they didn't have enough time to focus on the characters. Thankfully Nola's gift line (see above) in September 2009 gave fans a bit of much-deserved closure.
FROM PATRICK ERWIN (A THOUSAND OTHER WORLDS): 1981 is remembered in soap history as the year of Luke and Laura, but for me and millions of others it was the beginning of Quint and Nola. Their story was only on air for a few short years but their journey, as individuals and as a couple, was magnificent and memorable. It had everything: humor, mystery, romance, love and family.
CLASSIC CLIPS:
- NOLA'S EARLY QUINT FANTASIES
- SILAS KIDNAPS NOLA (1982)
- QUINT AND NOLA'S WEDDING (1983)
- THE BIRTH OF ANTHONY JAMES (1984)
Share your thoughts on Quint and Nola in our "Comments" section below or on our MESSAGE BOARD.
RELATED:
- 50 GREATEST SOAP OPERA ACTORS: THE COMPLETE LIST
- 50 GREATEST SOAP OPERA ACTRESSES: THE COMPLETE LIST
- THE COMPLETE LIST: 25 BIGGEST BLUNDERS IN DAYTIME SOAP OPERA HISTORY
Origin: lay-reports.blogspot.com
Have you been told you're too picky? Those were the words that resulted in a thousand chocolate-bar wrappers when I was searching for a mate. Some told me I would never find what I wanted; I needed to settle, or I'd be single forever.
Yet in my experience, most people's standards aren't too high; they're too "low". If I had to summarize over 60 years of excellent relationship research in just one sentence, that sentence would be: "IF YOU CAN FIND AND BE SOMEONE KIND AND RESPECTFUL, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL PROBABLY WORK; AND IF YOU CAN'T, IT WON'T."
Factually speaking, kindness and respect are Must-Haves when you're seeking a partner. Not only do these qualities ensure a happy life; they will eliminate abusers-before you get abused, instead of years later.
An abuser is a man or woman who uses anger, violence, threats, put-downs, money, sex, or anything else to systematically control you. Abusers hurt you, physically and/or emotionally, to keep you under their total power. They say they love, but they don't: They manipulate. They control.
And luckily for you, abusers can't fake kindness or respect for long at all; they're the opposite of the abuser's game plan.
In fact, most don't even try to maintain the facade. Studies of abusers show that they typically begin showing their true colors very soon after meeting a would-be partner. As abuse expert Lundy Bancroft put it, "Disrespect is the soil abuse grows in." Abusers show you that disrespect quickly, so they can feel out whether you'll put up with it and hang in there. "They're testing to see if you're an easy mark for their control. "
They might start off with subtle put-downs of you: "You know, a lot of men wouldn't want to go out with a woman who has a kid, but I figure I'm better than that." Or, "Your stretch marks would put off someone shallower than me, but I still think you're pretty good-looking."
Both of those comments were made to me by a man I stopped dating. I later learned he had been jailed for beating his former wife, whom he'd verbally abused for years. "The comments can be backhanded compliments, but they are intended to pull you down by building the abuser up-and keep you feeling bad about yourself so they won't have competition. "These comments are a test. And had I said "okay" to those tests by continuing to see him, he would have upped the ante. It's what abusers do.
But often, before insulting you, an abuser will test your tolerance by speaking unkindly and disrespectfully about others. Name-calling is common. Sometimes, they'll test you by contrasting you with their ex: "She's such a bitch, not at all like you." It's a compliment-or is it?
And then they eventually show you what they really are, once they think you're hooked and under their power.
Abusers may not be acting consciously. And your disrespectful date may not be an abuser. But hopefully, you'll never know, because your standard is kindness and respect-not abuse! We all have bad days. A test of our character is how we deal with them.
"People who are mean-spirited when they don't get their way, or cruel to those who can't retaliate (animals, children, the waitstaff), or who speak with hatred and disrespect about other people, will eventually mistreat you. "
If you've been abused, that's the abuser's fault and not yours. Once you were in that relationship, you couldn't have done anything to prevent the abuse, and you did not deserve it; the best studies show that abusers abuse no matter how wonderful you are, and no matter how much you try to please them. Their unacceptable behavior is not about you-it's about them and their insatiable need for control.
So nobody deserves abuse; we are all inherently worthy of love and the acts that prove it. But if you want to avoid abuse and have a happy love relationship, kindness and respect are rock-bottom requirements from now on.
"DUANA C. WELCH, PH.D., IS THE AUTHOR OF LOVE FACTUALLY: 10 PROVEN STEPS FROM I WISH TO I DO (2015); THIS IS A PARTIAL EXCERPT. THE BOOK IS AVAILABLE NOW. YOU CAN GET A FREE CHAPTER AND LEARN MORE AT HTTP://WWW.LOVEFACTUALLY.CO"
The post Dangerous Liaisons: How 2 Simple Requirements Will Guard Against Abusers appeared first on eHarmony Advice.
Treating Stress & Burnout - Mindful Power
In this article I will highlight how mindfulness and meditation are related to resilience, self regulation and purpose,- three fundamental pillars to sustain resourcefulness, as well as mental,- emotional,- and spiritual wellbeing. Drawing on research as well as direct personal experience, mindfulness and meditation prove to be of great value to programmes aimed at preventing, as well as healing the effects of overwhelming stress and burnout.
"IN THE SECOND LAST PARAGRAPH OF THIS ARTICLE, YOU ARE DIRECTED TO FREE MINDFULNESS AND MEDITATION RESOURCES."
Studies indicate that mindfulness practices and meditation are known to reduce stress (Davidson, 2010, Malinowski, 2008). With burnout resulting from persistent stress (Cartwright & Cooper, 1996), clearly mindfulness and meditation will be helpful in treating as well as preventing burnout. Burnout has been referred to as a 'soul sickness' (Wright, 2010, p 8.), where one reaches a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, but oblivious of any solution. A common aspect of burnout are dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours that are disengaged from the present moment (cited in Dierendonck, Garssen & Visser, 2005). This is similar to what (Brown Kelley, 2005; Meiklejohn "et al"., 2012; Irving, J. A., Dobkin, P. L., Cohen- Katz, Wiley, Capuano, Baker, Mackenzie, Poulin, & Seidman-Carlson, 2006). Mindfulness has also been associated with the enhancement of well-being, since it is known to enable people to disengage from unhealthy, automatic behavioural patterns (Ryan & Deci, 2000). Their view is supported by Brown & Ryan's (2003) research which indicates that higher levels of mindfulness are correlated with the lower level of stress and mood disturbance, and will therefore contribute to improving resilience.
MINDFULNESS IN RELATION TO SELF REGULATION
Bonanno's (2004) research suggests that all human beings with unhampered mental health have an innate capacity for resilience and well-being even while facing adversity (cited Kelley, T, 2005, p. 265). According to Ciarrochi, Chan, Caputi, and Roberts (2001), difficulty identifying feelings is likely to predispose an individual to poorer mental health. Various studies support the idea that an individual with a greater ability to identify their emotions will be able to regulate those emotions better (cited in Barrett, L. F., Gross, J., Christensen, T. C., & Benvenuto, M., 2001, p. 721). Inherent in mindfulness approaches is the ability to adapt and regulate one's thought's, feelings and actions according to the situation (Baliki, Ceha, Apkarian, cited in Niemiec, Rashid, Spinella, 2012). Rather than perceiving mental and emotional states as fixed, the mindful approach identifies their impermanent nature and treats them as transitory phenomena (Kabat-Zinn, 1990; Segal, Williams, Jacobs, T. L., "et al." (2011), research done by Jacobs, T. L., "et al." also indicates that meditation is known to promote a sense of meaning and purpose in life (2011). Their study suggests that meditation may facilitate an expanded assessment of one's life as meaningful, which in turn may influence one's assessment of challenging situations, resulting in improved self regulation and enhanced resilience to stress. This idea is in alignment with former research verifying that the perception of meaning is associated with better stress management (e.g., Okamoto "et al.", 2007). Additional evidence shows that when stressful situations are infused with a purposeful meaning, the result is more adaptive stress responses and better psychological coping (e.g., Bower "et al.", 2008). The link between mindfulness and purpose may offer particular value to burnout treatment programmes, since burnout is associated with a deficit in existential meaning and purpose (Frankl, 1963; L"angle, 1994). A central purpose in a person's life is suggested to influence the thoughts, emotions, and actions of that person, as well as enhance that person's resiliency in in stressful situations (cited in McKnight & Kashdan, 2009).
There are apparently similar outcomes when comparing approaches that are motivated by a strong sense of purpose and those of mindfulness in contrast to no sense of purpose or mindlessness. Comparing the research cited in McKnight common outcomes appear to be: an improved ability to understand and cope with stress, enhanced resilience, more adaptable self regulation, as well as a generally elevated psychological, physical, and social well-being. In addition to considering the complimentary factors that are associated with both purpose and mindfulness, there are attributes of both that are not shared, for example: inherent in purpose is a broader motivational component driving the achievement of goals which support that purpose (McKnight while inherent in mindfulness is nonjudgmental awareness of experiences in the present moment (Kabat-Zinn, 1990), as well as the possibility of insight into the true nature of existence (Olendzki, 2010). These characteristic differences between purpose and mindfulness can also be viewed as complimentary resources that may be supportive in the pursuit of dealing holistically with stress issues and burnout. In their discussion on the attributes of purpose, McKnight Overdurf, 2013). Those who are familiar with the technique to facilitate "peripheral vision" report that it takes only a few minutes to learn, it can be applied in any place at any time of day, and the benefits of using it begin to take effect within a few seconds of applying the technique (reported by NLP course participants). On this basis, "peripheral vision" may be of particular use to busy people who don't have time to formally meditate, or those who are sceptical of Eastern practices, and especially those who might be at risk of being effected by stress or burnout. Furthermore, I have personally found that the establishment of "peripheral vision" serves as a useful expediency to access deeper levels of meditation, and when brought to one's tasks and interactions, it facilitates a mindful approach.
"TWO WAYS TO LEARN "PERIPHERAL VISION" FOR FREE: Watch the video where I teach "peripheral vision" at a live NLP training - HERE. Get your copy of the Cool, Calm ">.
Written by Jevon Dangeli - NLP Trainer ">.
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>>> DISCOVER JEVON'S BURNOUT PREVENTION AUDIO PROGRAMME - "MINDFUL POWER "
>>> Follow our 'Stress & Burnout - surviving ">.
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Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? "American Psychologist, 59, "20-28.
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Ciarrochi, J., Chan, A., Caputi, P., & Roberts, R. (2001). Measuring emotional intelligence. In J. Ciarrochi, ">"Philadelphia: Psychology Press". pp. 25-45.
Davidson, R. J. (2010). Empirical explorations of mindfulness: Conceptual and methodological conundrums. "Emotion", "10"(1), 8.
Dierendonck, vD., Garssen, B. and Visser, A. (2005). Rediscovering meaning and purpose at work: the transpersonal psychology background of a burnout prevention programme, in A.G. Antoniou ">"Research Companion to Organizational Health Psychology, "40, 623. Cheltenham: Edward Elgar Publishing Limited
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Some years ago I was at a small working conference of four women and eight men. Instead of concentrating on the discussion I found myself looking at the three other women at the table, thinking how each had a different style and how each style was coherent.
One woman had dark brown hair in a classic style, a cross between Cleopatra and Plain Jane. The severity of her straight hair was softened by wavy bangs and ends that turned under. Because she was beautiful, the effect was more Cleopatra than plain.
The second woman was older, full of dignity and composure. Her hair was cut in a fashionable style that left her with only one eye, thanks to a side part that let a curtain of hair fall across half her face. As she looked down to read her prepared paper, the hair robbed her of bifocal vision and created a barrier between her and the listeners.
The third woman's hair was wild, a frosted blond avalanche falling over and beyond her shoulders. When she spoke she frequently tossed her head, calling attention to her hair and away from her lecture.
Then there was makeup. The first woman wore facial cover that made her skin smooth and pale, a black line under each eye and mascara that darkened already dark lashes. The second wore only a light gloss on her lips and a hint of shadow on her eyes. The third had blue bands under her eyes, dark blue shadow, mascara, bright red lipstick and rouge; her fingernails flashed red.
I considered the clothes each woman had worn during the three days of the conference: In the first case, man-tailored suits in primary colors with solid-color blouses. In the second, casual but stylish black T-shirts, a floppy collarless jacket and baggy slacks or a skirt in neutral colors. The third wore a sexy jump suit; tight sleeveless jersey and tight yellow slacks; a dress with gaping armholes and an indulged tendency to fall off one shoulder.
Shoes? No. 1 wore string sandals with medium heels; No. 2, sensible, comfortable walking shoes; No. 3, pumps with spike heels. You can fill in the jewelry, scarves, shawls, sweaters -- or lack of them.
As I amused myself finding coherence in these styles, I suddenly wondered why I was scrutinizing only the women. I scanned the eight men at the table. And then I knew why I wasn't studying them. The men's styles were unmarked.
THE TERM "MARKED" IS A STAPLE OF LINGUISTIC THEORY. It refers to the way language alters the base meaning of a word by adding a linguistic particle that has no meaning on its own. The unmarked form of a word carries the meaning that goes without saying -- what you think of when you're not thinking anything special.
The unmarked tense of verbs in English is the present -- for example, visit. To indicate past, you mark the verb by adding ed to yield visited. For future, you add a word: will visit. Nouns are presumed to be singular until marked for plural, typically by adding s or es, so visit becomes visits and dish becomes dishes.
The unmarked forms of most English words also convey "male." Being male is the unmarked case. Endings like ess and ette mark words as "female." Unfortunately, they also tend to mark them for frivolousness. Would you feel safe entrusting your life to a doctorette?
Alfre Woodard, who was an Oscar nominee for best supporting actress, says she identifies herself as an actor because "actresses worry about eyelashes and cellulite, and women who are actors worry about the characters we are playing." Gender markers pick up extra meanings that reflect common associations with the female gender: not quite serious, often sexual.
Each of the women at the conference had to make decisions about hair, clothing, makeup and accessories, and each decision carried meaning. Every style available to us was marked. The men in our group had made decisions, too, but the range from which they chose was incomparably narrower. Men can choose styles that are marked, but they don't have to, and in this group none did. Unlike the women, they had the option of being unmarked.
Take the men's hair styles. There was no marine crew cut or oily longish hair falling into eyes, no asymmetrical, two-tiered construction to swirl over a bald top. One man was unabashedly bald; the others had hair of standard length, parted on one side, in natural shades of brown or gray or graying. Their hair obstructed no views, left little to toss or push back or run fingers through and, consequently, needed and attracted no attention. A few men had beards. In a business setting, beards might be marked. In this academic gathering, they weren't.
There could have been a cowboy shirt with string tie or a three-piece suit or a necklaced hippie in jeans. But there wasn't. All eight men wore brown or blue slacks and nondescript shirts of light colors. No man wore sandals or boots; their shoes were dark, closed, comfortable and flat. In short, unmarked.
Although no man wore makeup, you couldn't say the men didn't wear makeup in the sense that you could say a woman didn't wear makeup. For men, no makeup is unmarked.
I asked myself what style we women could have adopted that would have been unmarked, like the men's. The answer was none. There is no unmarked woman.
There is no woman's hair style that can be called standard, that says nothing about her. The range of women's hair styles is staggering, but a woman whose hair has no particular style is perceived as not caring about how she looks, which can disqualify her for many positions, and will subtly diminish her as a person in the eyes of some.
Women must choose between attractive shoes and comfortable shoes. When our group made an unexpected trek, the woman who wore flat, laced shoes arrived first. Last to arrive was the woman in spike heels, shoes in hand and a handful of men around her.
If a woman's clothing is tight or revealing (in other words, sexy), it sends a message -- an intended one of wanting to be attractive, but also a possibly unintended one of availability. If her clothes are not sexy, that too sends a message, lent meaning by the knowledge that they could have been. There are thousands of cosmetic products from which women can choose and myriad ways of applying them. Yet no makeup at all is anything but unmarked. Some men see it as a hostile refusal to please them.
Women can't even fill out a form without telling stories about themselves. Most forms give four titles to choose from. "Mr." carries no meaning other than that the respondent is male. But a woman who checks "Mrs." or "Miss" communicates not only whether she has been married but also whether she has conservative tastes in forms of address -- and probably other conservative values as well. Checking "Ms." declines to let on about marriage (checking "Mr." declines nothing since nothing was asked), but it also marks her as either liberated or rebellious, depending on the observer's attitudes and assumptions.
I sometimes try to duck these variously marked choices by giving my title as "Dr." -- and in so doing risk marking myself as either uppity (hence sarcastic responses like "Excuse me!") or an overachiever (hence reactions of congratulatory surprise like "Good for you!").
All married women's surnames are marked. If a woman takes her husband's name, she announces to the world that she is married and has traditional values. To some it will indicate that she is less herself, more identified by her husband's identity. If she does not take her husband's name, this too is marked, seen as worthy of comment: she has done something; she has "kept her own name." A man is never said to have "kept his own name" because it never occurs to anyone that he might have given it up. For him using his own name is unmarked.
A married woman who wants to have her cake and eat it too may use her surname plus his, with or without a hyphen. But this too announces her marital status and often results in a tongue-tying string. In a list (Harvey O'Donovan, Jonathan Feldman, Stephanie Woodbury McGillicutty), the woman's multiple name stands out. It is marked.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN INCLINED TOWARD BIOLOGICAL EXPLANATIONS of gender differences in language, but I was intrigued to see Ralph Fasold bring biological phenomena to bear on the question of linguistic marking in his book "The Sociolinguistics of Language." Fasold stresses that language and culture are particularly unfair in treating women as the marked case because biologically it is the male that is marked. While two X chromosomes make a female, two Y chromosomes make nothing. Like the linguistic markers s, es or ess, the Y chromosome doesn't "mean" anything unless it is attached to a root form -- an X chromosome.
Developing this idea elsewhere, Fasold points out that girls are born with fully female bodies, while boys are born with modified female bodies. He invites men who doubt this to lift up their shirts and contemplate why they have nipples.
In his book, Fasold notes "a wide range of facts which demonstrates that female is the unmarked sex." For example, he observes that there are a few species that produce only females, like the whiptail lizard. Thanks to parthenogenesis, they have no trouble having as many daughters as they like. There are no species, however, that produce only males. This is no surprise, since any such species would become extinct in its first generation.
Fasold is also intrigued by species that produce individuals not involved in reproduction, like honeybees and leaf-cutter ants. Reproduction is handled by the queen and a relatively few males; the workers are sterile females. "Since they do not reproduce," Fasold says, "there is no reason for them to be one sex or the other, so they default, so to speak, to female."
Fasold ends his discussion of these matters by pointing out that if language reflected biology, grammar books would direct us to use "she" to include males and females and "he" only for specifically male referents. But they don't. They tell us that "he" means "he or she," and that "she" is used only if the referent is specifically female. This use of "he" as the sex-indefinite pronoun is an innovation introduced into English by grammarians in the 18th and 19th centuries, according to Peter Muhlhausler and Rom Harre in "Pronouns and People." From at least about 1500, the correct sex-indefinite pronoun was "they," as it still is in casual spoken English. In other words, the female was declared by grammarians to be the marked case.
Writing this article may mark me not as a writer, not as a linguist, not as an analyst of human behavior, but as a feminist -- which will have positive or negative, but in any case powerful, connotations for readers. Yet I doubt that anyone reading Ralph Fasold's book would put that label on him.
I discovered the "markedness" inherent in the very topic of gender after writing a book on differences in conversational style based on geographical region, ethnicity, class, age and gender. When I was interviewed, the vast majority of journalists wanted to talk about the differences between women and men. While I thought I was simply describing what I observed -- something I had learned to do as a researcher -- merely mentioning women and men marked me as a feminist for some.
When I wrote a book devoted to gender differences in ways of speaking, I sent the manuscript to five male colleagues, asking them to alert me to any interpretation, phrasing or wording that might seem unfairly negative toward men. Even so, when the book came out, I encountered responses like that of the television talk show host who, after interviewing me, turned to the audience and asked if they thought I was male-bashing.
Leaping upon a poor fellow who affably nodded in agreement, she made him stand and asked, "Did what she said accurately describe you"? Oh, yes"," he answered. "That's me exactly"." '"And what she said about women -- does that sound like your wife"? Oh ye"s," he responded. "That's her exactly". Then why do you think she's male-bashing?" He answered, with disarming honesty, "Because she's a woman and she's saying things about men."
To say anything about women and men without marking oneself as either feminist or anti-feminist, male-basher or apologist for men seems as impossible for a woman as trying to get dressed in the morning without inviting interpretations of her character. Sitting at the conference table musing on these matters, I felt sad to think that we women didn't have the freedom to be unmarked that the men sitting next to us had. Some days you just want to get dressed and go about your business. But if you're a woman, you can't, because THERE IS NO UNMARKED WOMAN.
Source: The New York Times Magazine, June 20, 1993 - originally titled "Marked Women, Unmarked Men" by Deborah Tannen
http://nosuture.blogspot.com/
Sometimes you wonder what it is that makes you feel so good. Believe it or not but one of the things that makes a person feeling good, is making someone else happy - doing something that brings a smile or a shout of pleasure to someone else's lips.
There was the little girl who had been sitting listening to the conversations of the mother's bridge club and after they were gone, said to her mother, "Mother let us now talk happy"!
Did you ever realize how much of your conversation - and your thinking - is taken up with harrowing tales about your annoyances, your relatives' annoyances and tragedies, and all the annoyances that go with living with an average husband or wife, or having in a cleaning woman, or going to work, or doing your shopping, or what not?
Many persons get themselves more and more neurotic by constantly indulging in what is often called "post -mortems"; long detailed descriptions, many times retold, of unpleasantness, family rows, and sorrows. How much better it would be for all of us if we would always "talk happy," and so far as possible avoid unpleasant topics. What good does it do to keep constantly going back over the stories of unhappiness?
Drain your mind of the worries, the resentments, irritations, guilt reactions, and annoyances that have collected during the day just as thoroughly as you pull the stopper in the sink.
"Then you can refill it with refreshing thoughts of emotional maturity such as these: "
- You are going to free yourself from fears, anxieties, and tensions.- You find greater satisfaction in giving than in receiving. - You will contribute to the improvement of your home, your community, your nation, and your world. - You seek give-and-take relationships to form. You profit from your mistakes and successes. - You use your leisure time creatively.
Recognize hate for the destructive emotional force that it is. Love is the constructive psychological force of a positive mind. Love resurrects people who have lost life while they live. It is the force that gives new hope, joy, vitality, and invincibility. Those of you who truly want a powerful new lease on life will find it possible through love and a positive mind.
"TIPS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS"
Source: pickup-and-love.blogspot.com
