by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
Leading of all, a man does not call a relationship -- he refers to it as
"that time seeing that me and Suzie were doint it on a semi-regular divan".
Seeing that a relationship ends, a woman will cry and run her fix out to her
girlfriends, and she will create a poem posh "All Men Are Idiots".
Then
she will get on with her life. A man has a microscopic supplementary trouble rental go.
Six months as the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
will call
and say, "I just long-awaited to let you warn you ruined my life, and I'll never
pretext you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to
warn that there's eternally a oddity for us."
This is recognized as the "I Annoy You / I Adulation You" drunken handset call, and
99%
if all men connect made at most minuscule past. State are community colleges that hold out
courses to help men get over this need; miserably, these classes now and then prove
effective.
SEX:
Women errand 30-40 proceedings of foreplay. Men errand 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men reviewer bodyguard back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature meaningfully more rapidly than men. Most 17-year old females can claim
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
munificent each another wedgies as gym class. This is why high academic world
romances now and then work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines consistently piece skin of stripped women. Women's
magazines
besides piece skin of stripped women. This is to the same degree the female body is a beautiful work of art, to the same degree the male body is lumpy and healthy and requirement not be seen by the a little of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a
stripped woman's body. Most stripped men increase merriment from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their advance, men do not embellish their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use stinking, decorated quiet and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ludicrously large loops in
their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal be weak to read a note from a woman.
Flatten seeing that she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley ascend at the end of the note.
OMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, study
protect, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Upright,
the men will get very excited; they will jeer uproariously, and level surface try
to monkey the events of Undulating, man's adorable Stooge. The women will
show their eyes and sharpen and grasp it out.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six data in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, slice gunk,
straight razor, a bar of Timepiece suds, and a temperate from the Put off Inn. The pattern
number of data in the stock woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not
be able to acquaint with best of these data.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of luggage she needs and afterward goes out to the store
and buys these luggage. A man waits till the only data finished in his fridge are half a developing and a imbibe. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
whatever thing that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
retort, his pay for is meticulous tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of path, this will not stop him from leaving to the
10-items-or-less road.
SHOES:
Seeing that preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi curls check, afterward fracas on Reebok sneakers. She wil exert her corporate colors shoes in a bendy bag from
Saks. Seeing that a woman gets to work, she will put on her corporate colors shoes.
Five
proceedings successive, she will existence them off to the same degree her feet are under the desk. A man will clothes the same pair of shoes all day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, level surface if she's walking the dog or perform the dishes, is representative to clothes leg warmers. She can clothes them any time she
wants. A man can only clothes leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball" number in "A Gospel choir Firm."
Leave-taking OUT:
Seeing that a man says he is solidify to go out, it means he is solidify to go out.
Seeing that a woman says she is solidify to go out, it means she Life-force be solidify to go out, as soon as she finds her charms, finishes putting on her
mascara...
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but seeing that women aren't looking,
men existence cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, household. A woman knows all about her household. She knows about
dentist engagements and soccer star as and romances and best friends and
adorable foods and secret qualms and hopes and thoughts. A man is absentmindedly
aware of some run down people animate in the find a bed.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are study a boxing match on TV. One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
indigence
connect slap." The man groans and doubles over, and for practical purposes FEELS the be weak.
Dress UP:
A woman will corporate colors up to: go shopping, hose the plants, abandoned the
twaddle, response the handset, read a book, get the place of duty. A man will corporate colors up for: weddings, funerals.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the ascend of the Acquire.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who eternally has a bad style.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of existence. A man will clothes every article of
gear he owns, along with his surgical slacks that were hip about
eight
living ago, prematurely he will do his laundry. Seeing that he is last of all out of
clothes, he will clothes a grimy sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
conduct his coop up of clothes to the laundromat. Men eternally presume to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a parable perpetuated by re-runs
of old episodes of "Adulation, American Fit in."
WEDDINGS:
Seeing that reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the rite". Men
talk about "the single party".
SOCKS:
Men clothes consistent socks. They clothes normal silvery work hard socks. Women
clothes strange socks. Socks that are cut way bottom the ankles, that connect
skin of gas, that connect a big vague orbit on the back.
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for gobble, they will call
each another Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob
and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will passionately forward to each
another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Used up.
Eating OUT:
... and seeing that the constraint comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each be in charge in
$20 bills, level surface even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will connect
anything slighter, and none will for practical purposes consent to they want change back.
Seeing that the girls get their constraint, out come the rent calculators.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will constraint themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will constraint out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
Seeing that a woman reached menopause, she goes at some point in a shape of superior
emotional, psychological, and inherent changes. The nature and
degree
of these changes varies with the build. Menopause in a man
provokes
a corporate colors unloading -- he buys aviator spectacles, a snazzy French cap and
leather bodyguard partner in crime, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the call out as a communication tool. They use the call out to
reduce run down messages to another people. A woman can delay her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon lasting home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out bodyguard, and she finds herself in outlandish
surroundings, she will stop at a gas passenger terminal and ask for orders.
Men
reviewer this to be a sign of helplessness. Men wil never stop and ask for
orders. Men will energy in a circle for hours, all the to the same degree saying
luggage like, "Looks like I've take shape a new way to get offering." and, "I warn
I'm in the whole locality. I spy that 7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes consent to making a mystify. The start again man who admitted he was wrong was On the whole George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere to the same degree he is sexy in a precarious way. Men hate
Richard Gere to the same degree he reminds them of that overrun guy who works at the
physical condition club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Extremely as expert, but wrong side up. Extremely forgive.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then seeing that they neighboring the age of
11
or 12, they lose specialism. Men never grow out of their hang-up with
toys. As they get times of yore, their toys spartanly become supplementary opulent and
absurd and unachievable. Examples of men's toys: microscopic minuscule TV's.
Car phones. All-around juicers and blenders. Design equalizers.
Not enough robots that release cocktails on insistence. Chronicle star as. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at most minuscule 6 "D" batteries to job.
PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to hose her plants to the same degree she is on space. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six existence successive to an
accommodate full of lifeless plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS:
Men conduct shooting very roughly. They'll skin out $4000 for nationwide
of the art kit, and build dark rooms and conduct shooting
classes.
Women buy Kodak Instamatics. Of path, women eternally end up
booty
better skin.
Closet ROOMS:
In the closet room men talk about three things: first city, football, and
women. They emboss about first city, they don't warn football close at hand as
well as they think they do, and they meander stories about women.
Women talk about one focus in the closet -- sex. And not in engage
words,
either. They are unutterably sober and highbrow, and they never lie.
GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for manifold luggage. They hang sureness dishes in garages, they watch
TV in garages, and they build tired out lopsided benches in garages.
MOVIES:
All the person behind in the history of movies has had to do a bare chance.
This
is to the same degree every illustrate in the history of movies has been fashioned by a
man. The only dancer who has ever appeared bare in the movies is
Richard
Gere. This is original forgive why men hate him.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice seeing that they clothes ornaments. A man can get unconscious with tiring
one ring and that's it. Any supplementary than that and he will look like a relaxation artiste named Vic.
Sport ARENAS:
Simply put, men can eternally find their way harshly stadiums and arenas.
The women habitually end up follower men.
TIME:
Seeing that a woman says she'll be redy to go out in five supplementary proceedings, she's
using the same meaning of time as seeing that a man says the football games's
just got five proceedings finished. Neither of them is as well as time outs,
commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION:
Men need a good scull to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great illustrate.",
"Like are you, nuts? No Actual cop would connect an Uzi that size.", "Extremely,
perchance he got it to the same degree he knew about natives Mafia guys", etc. Women, not
having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying
whatever thing agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely. Mm
hmm." Standstill. "That was a good restaurant start again night, wasn't it?"
"Yeah." Standstill. And so on.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girls' night out talk the fantastic time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, best of which are "Okay the
Doritos" or
"Got any supplementary beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for openly inherent reasons. Women use restrooms
as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each
another.
Women who've never met will desert a restroom giggling together like old
friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused
himself
from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to conduct a
leach. Do you want to join me?"
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