Collage216

Collage 216 H u m o u r N e t 13 FEB 96Yesterday's opener (collage 215) featured poor Ron's officesituation; he wrote to me today to add this tidbit:"I can't even share the [blonde] joke with any of my coworkers.This female worker also complained that the males laughed behind herback, and that she felt 'excluded' and that if we could not talk infront of her, whatever we were saying must be offensive. (Ofcourse, it's OK for her to gossip and giggle with other femaleworkers.)"I think I see the problem here, Ron: you work for Nazis.Lea also wrote to me:"... a little while ago, you had [an opener] about men and romance.It wasn't very funny, but it'd be really good for Valentine's Day..."Um, tactfully said, Lea. And nicely timed, too -- I really don't havethe time to write another opener from scratch today. So, by (Lea's)popular demand, may I present to you "Men and Romance":According to a recent survey, German men list "as theirprimary reason for getting married. Which leaves the rest of us toask the obvious question:"Why don't *we* get those kinda tax breaks here in the U.S.?"Anyway, for men in the U.S. it's usually some combination ofrelationship-oriented motivations that provides the basis formarriage. And since American men are [apparently] much more romanticthan their German counterparts, our motivations for marriage aresolidly rooted in amour; why, just look at the typical Americanmale's highly-romantic reasons for considering marriage:1. The house needs cleaning. Sure, he can do it himself, but it'sa pretty big job when you only do it once a year (or so). Plus, thehouse looks so much more romantic when it's clean.2. The refrigerator needs to be refilled. Yes, he can go groceryshopping, but it's a real hassle for the standard testosterone-laden,attention-deficient male, who has trouble looking properly detachedstanding in line at the grocery store -- without a beer or a cigarettein his hand to complete the "look" -- and generally forgets what he'sdoing there by the time he reaches the register. Moreover, beer isn'tsold in most U.S. grocery stores, so, accordingly, most U.S. mendon't know where those stores are. Plus, a full refrigerator is muchmore romantic than an empty one.3. The laundry needs to be done. Okay, he can attempt this himself,but there are two significant problems with men doing laundry: a. Testosterone poisoning makes men refuse to wear pink underwear (regardless of the color it used to be). b. Buying new underwear every time we do laundry can be prohibitively expensive.Plus -- clean, properly-colored clothing is very romantic.4. The "significant other" is pressing for action on the "marriage"front. Sure, he can try to put off a decision indefinitely, but someenterprising women have started resorting to deadlines: "Either weare engaged by [insert date], or I'm outta here." (Otherwise knownas the "love by simple coercion" maneuver.) Faced with thehorrifying prospect of a dirty house, an empty refrigerator, pinkunderwear, and having to lift his sagging butt from the couch to"get [his] *own* damn beer" during the game (or while watching theArts and Entertainment channel, depending upon how far he'sprogressed along the evolutionary scale), he will usually give inand decide to take the plunge. Plus, getting married is much moreromantic than wearing pink underwear. (Also, note that most womenwill conveniently forget about the "ultimatum" within mere *minutes*of the proposal.)See? None of that unromantic "tax break" reasoning here -- just solidamour. And the romance doesn't end there -- when it comes time to closethe deal, you can bet that the innovative American male will devisesomething *totally* original, like hiding the ring somewhere in thehouse and leaving a trail of notes directing her to the bounty. Andhe'll pick an original day on which to do it, too -- like Christmas, orValentine's Day, or her birthday. (A thinly-veiled way to "combinegifts," BTW.)[Editor's Note: Apologies to those men who were planning to "springthe ring" tomorrow/today. ]Of course, the girl will graciously fail to mention the gross lackof originality in the presentation -- being preoccupied instead withhow she's going to explain to her new fiancee that *he* wants toreplace the very-thoughtful-but-not-very-romantic cubic zirconiawith a rock large enough to make the Queen Mary list to one side...P.S. -- Contrary to popular belief, "dinner" is not a male motivationfor marriage. Now that Domino's delivers in 30 minutes or less,high-quality food is never more than a phone call away.Well, for comparison, Venky in India presents us with "To Marry orNot To Marry," a list of reasons/excuses why men in India eithershould or should not marry. Interestingly, cultural differencesdisappear when it comes to making up excuses... :-)And, in case you're *still* not sure if you really fit the "guy"mold, Mike presents us with "The Guyness Test" (this one's great).A big thanks to both Venky and Mike.Enjoy -- and Happy Valentine's Day!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message": To Marry or Not To Marry (in India)This is a partial of list of reasons to marry/reasons to not marry,as provided by Venky in India. Some reasons are apparently just asgood in India as they are here in the U.S. (and everywhere else inthe world)...Maybe I should *not* get married because... * We already have a maid at home, and she seems to be quite good. at cooking and managing the household chores. * There are still a lot of WWW sites that I need to visit. * I don't want my neighbours to enjoy themselves at my expense. * I really love kids, i.e., I don't want to have any of my own. * My mom is a really good cook. * All my friends' wives are very sweet to me. * I just got a 14.4 tcp/ip dial-up account. * Married men don't get free web pages. * Married men are old -- well, they get there faster. * I have reached the heights of sexual enlightenment.Maybe I *should* get married after all because... * Our maid is 40 years old, and married. * Too much happiness is not good for me. * My friends won't mind if I go out with their wives. * I may get a nice car as a dowry. * Let's face it, nothing good lasts forever. * There's more to life than surfing the Net. * My mom is getting old, and she needs some help at home, doing the chores. * Maids are getting very expensive these days. * It's the only way I am gonna stop losing weight.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: The Guyness TestAre You a "Guy"?Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your "Guyness Quotient"1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earthand you are the first human they encounter. As a token ofintergalactic friendship, they present you with a small butincredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing alldisease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping outhunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression andviolence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life doyou miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs.3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. He is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a....remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b....reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c....tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She'sattractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking iteasy--you're watching a football game; she's reading thepapers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells youthat she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bearthe uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; onlywhether you believe that you have some kind of future together.What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and youwant to spend the rest of your life with her--sharing the joys andthe sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all theadventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, comewhat may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what?9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asksyou to get your three children ready for school. Your firstquestion to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?"10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation forthe fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place forforty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions.12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control.How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you pickedanswer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. Infact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would getthe special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guywho has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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