1) NOT WRITING ENOUGH
While a lot of people are guilty of this, it seems like men in particular really don't like to write about themselves. Women however, generally like to read, so it's no drawback to give them a few paragraphs to peruse. To many ladies, a well-written, witty profile is practically an aphrodisiac. We knew several guys who did extremely well online without even bothering to post a picture, simply because their profiles were an original and enjoyable read.
Unfortunately, far too many men's profiles are not even boring. They're just empty. If you hope to get women to message you by stating, "If you want to know anything, just ask," think again. Not only does this seem lazy, it's hard to know what to ask if she doesn't know anything about you.
You don't have to write a book, but several paragraphs about yourself and your interests, written in your unique voice will make you more interesting than 95 percent of your competition. Trust us. We've seen what's out there.
If you aren't confident in your writing skills, then get some help. If you have no verbally adept friends, there are plenty of profile-writing services online, and many dating sites offer free assistance in their forums. It might take some time and effort, but that should be repaid by the increased attention you'll receive.
2) POSTING POOR QUALITY PHOTOS
Your main profile photo, usually in thumbnail size, creates your first online impression. Many profiles are bypassed simply because the main photo is unattractive or hard to make out. Men are particularly guilty of posting photos that seem to be taken from a great distance, often while wearing sunglasses and headgear of some sort. Even if a baseball cap is part of your everyday garb, take it off for at least a few photos. The shade from the bill will usually obscure your face, and women who can't see what you look like are unlikely to be interested.
A few other things to keep in mind:
DON'T post shirtless pics. Chances are, you don't look as awesome as you think you do. Trust us on this. We can count on one finger of one hand the times we've seen a shirtless photo of a guy and thought, "impressive!" If you work out, a well-cut t-shirt will do plenty to show off your torso. Even better, it makes the ladies want to see what's underneath.
DON'T post pictures that aren't of you. You'd think this would be obvious, but you'd be amazed at how many pictures we've seen of cars, motorcycles and group photos in which it's impossible to identify anyone. A lot of guys like to post pictures of their stuff. While you may be rightfully proud of what you have, displaying it is irrelevant to the first impression you'll make.
DON'T post photos of yourself with dead animals. While there is a small minority of women who love to hunt, they are a small minority. Most will just say "ew!" and "Poor Bambi!" and move on to someone less barbaric-looking.
DON'T take pictures of a dirty room. We've seen way too many self-taken shots showing disgusting bathrooms, overflowing kitchen sinks, unmade beds and cluttered living rooms in the background. It really detracts from the positive image you're trying to project. If you're a slob, it's something you can introduce to prospects gradually.
Most importantly: SMILE! Sure, you may not feel comfortable doing it, and may think you actually look sexier with a scowl, but it's not true. We asked many, many women what made them click on a thumbnail. It was almost always the smile. Old, young, handsome, ugly, and everything in between- if you were smiling, quite a few ladies were willing to at least take a look.
3) USE OF OFFENSIVE TERMINOLOGY
Just as it's not cool for women to refer to men as "cheater" and "players," there are terms that make you look like a jerk if you use them. Your ex might have been the untamed shrew, but referring to her as such on your profile just makes you seem angry and not ready to date. No woman wants to date a guy who seems to take a dim view of women as a group. Besides, your online dating profile is not the place to rant about your ex. No one- male or female- wants to be held accountable for sins they didn't commit.
Another term that appears on a surprising number of men's profiles is "golddigger." As in "golddiggers need not apply." This term is generally mystifying to women. Especially when seen on profiles of guys who are obviously working- or middle-class. To women, a gold-digger means a 40-years-younger-billionaire's wife, a WAG, a woman who is trading her extraordinary looks for an extraordinary amount of money and lifestyle. And that would include no one on a dating website.
It seems that men using this term are trying to warn off women who are "leeches." That's pretty much it. They don't want to have to support someone with a part-time job or no job, and/or an uncertain housing situation. Just because he has a steady job doesn't mean he wants to be seen as a woman's sole means of support.
In any event, don't use either term in your profile. It's offensive to hard-working women everywhere, and the moochers as usual, won't recognize themselves as such. You should be able to figure out pretty quickly what a woman's financial situation is by looking at her profile and talking to her.
As usual, keep it positive. Going on at length about what you don't want won't do a thing to keep away the undesirables, but it may very well put off some quality women.
4) TRYING TO SELL YOURSELF AS A "NICE GUY."
A phrase that is widely used and just as widely misinterpreted is that of "nice guy." This gets used so terribly much. You see it in usernames and headlines and scattered all over profiles. Men want to make sure that ladies know they're "nice." Nice is a good quality, right? Well, of course. But it's not good to be a nice guy when it comes to dating.
For some reason, women tend to think of nice guys as someone with whom they want to be friends, and no more. A nice guy is a doormat. A nice guy is someone who will always be there for you because he's too nice to tell you he doesn't want to be used by you. He won't stand up to you. He doesn't go away when you break up with him. He can be whiny and passive-aggressive.
Well, some of those things aren't very nice, are they? And that's the problem. Nice guys are equated with spineless, wussy guys women aren't attracted to. Now, a lot of men will say, "Oh sure, that's because women prefer bad guys." Well, not exactly.
Let's put it this way. Women want a Decent Man, which is very different from a Nice Guy. It seems like semantics, but there really is a difference. A Decent Man treats a woman with respect without letting her walk all over him. If she just wants to be friends, keeping him on a string forever, he'll walk away. A Decent Man isn't desperate or needy, two things often associated with Nice Guys.
Women do like men who are strong, who are willing to challenge them; men they can't take for granted. In Nice Guy profiles, you often see phrases like, "I'll worship the ground you walk on, I'll treat you like a princess, I'll put you on a pedestal." That's not being nice, that's being ridiculous. Most women want to be treated like a loving partner, and a human being, not like an exalted deity.
It's probably safe to say that most mature women are looking for good men who will be considerate and respectful while keeping their own identity and keeping them in check, just a little. So, if you don't want to be seen as a doormat, skip the phrase "nice guy.' A woman will quickly be able to identify what sort of man you are, based on your behavior around her.
5) TOO MUCH SEXUAL TALK
Sure, a great many women today embrace their sexuality, but they also don't like being seen strictly as a sex object. And far too many guys online come across as looking for only one thing. Quite a few women who are generally comfortable with discussing sex still don't want to do it with a stranger. Which is what you are until you've been on at least a couple of dates.
Especially online, women are wary of men who will "hit it and quit it." Too much talk of "cuddling," full-body massages and going on at length about how important sex is to you can send the wrong impression. Women know that men like and want sex. It goes without saying that you want someone who'll be as crazy about you as you are about her.If you devote much time to it in your profile, she'll think that's all your interested in, and if she's looking for a relationship, you'll be seen as an undesirable prospect.
If you have not done any of the above- congratulations! You should already be in the top five percent of men dating online. If you have done one or more of them, don't feel too bad, because you are not alone. And fortunately for you, all of those mistakes are easily fixed. As soon as you make those changes, you should see an improvement in your online dating experience.
AUTHOR INFORMATION
CUPIDELVESDoc and Aryanna Elffington are a couple who found love online over five years ago. We're sharing what we learned with those who are still looking for love.
We offer balanced, straight-forward, no-nonsense dating and relationship advice for regular people. Thousands are meeting and falling in love online every day. We can help you join them. Visit our blog, The Elffington Post and watch for our book: Relationship Readiness. Coming soon!
0 comments:
Post a Comment